TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
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Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
this has to be peak English
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.