“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
You Might Also Like
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Erm I’m gonna say no
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.