Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
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Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Goodnight 🐶
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.