I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
You Might Also Like
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck