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Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
This is amazing.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
*has no idea what a book even is*
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar