That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
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Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
*seductively corrects your posture*
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.