if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
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this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
The glockness monster
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Easy enough.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo