Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
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Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Many hands make light work
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue