My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
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“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
A short story of betrayal:
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
🖤✌🏽
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”