If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
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having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.