My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
You Might Also Like
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”