The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
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DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.