if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
You Might Also Like
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet