*pronounces bondage like corsage.
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the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”