You Might Also Like
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
pizza
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”