WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
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Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”