If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
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It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
*exercises sarcastically*
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.