Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
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THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
How about daylight saves us for once
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now