If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
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BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.