It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
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The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
selena gomez
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”