me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
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the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
🙁
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic