If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
You Might Also Like
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver