I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
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WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Breaking news:
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
my one true gender
#MeanwhileInCanada
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach