The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
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Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
podcasts
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
you stereotypes are all alike
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”