my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
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When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
That’s easy for you to say
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ