Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
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If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady