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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.