my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
🤣🤣🤣
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON