Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
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[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.