wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
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Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
birds and squirrels envy us
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat