Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
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Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
peeping toms
Broom by every window for quick escape.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.