Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
You Might Also Like
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*