(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
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The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Noah
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”