Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
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.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening