Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
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Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.