“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
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me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
My whole life was a lie.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.