they should invent a hydrating liquor
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[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Sign at work today
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did