Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
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This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE