Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
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I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
You got this…
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*