Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
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Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.