I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
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Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Meme Monday.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee