The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
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*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Me in tagged photos
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.