Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
You Might Also Like
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.