this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
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My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
181.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?