Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Best seat on the street 😍
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
My diet starts in January
of 2027
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.