When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
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[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.