*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
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Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
is this how new cars are made??
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room