I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
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To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job