I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
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911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
accurate
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.