[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
✌️
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?